MAE.

Today I had my 28 week appointment, and my doctor told me for the second time I have gained too much weight. Now, I want to fire her ass. 

The first time I took it. I heard her out. I’ll go to the gym 3 times a week…ok ok. I’m not a total lard ass — up until recently I was walking to the blue line…transferring to the red line…walking from the red line to the hospital, twice a day (now Sundeep graciously drives one way)! Dammit …that’s like a whole mile.

Today…my weight gain has come as no surprise. I love ice cream. Get over it. But, I also have been going to the gym 3 times a week, as instructed. I just eat ice cream 4-5x a week. My motto is …push a 7lb baby through YOUR vagina, and you can eat all the ice cream you want.

Her excuse…labor will be really difficult with all of this extra weight. BITCH, I don’t know much about labor, but something tells me WITHOUT 27+ extra lbs, it’s going to be a death wish, and I’ve seen WAY fatter people give birth! AND…I thought you gave me great drugs to make it easier?

The first time she told my politely I was a lard ass, I felt really guilty…like what a fat ass, go to the gym..your baby is suffering, because you eat skittles and ice cream. TODAY..I was a mix of wanted to cry and punch her in the face. I’m hungry! 

Anyways, she checked my cervix due to a couple of contractions last week — “high and tight” (haaaaaaaaaayyyyy) and 0 cm dilated. Baby M’s head is down and ready for Summer 2012 Vagina Mass Destruction.

This is what I had at Cold Stone yesterday…

suckas.

I caved and bought my baby this stroller.

Baby Malladi and I are going to rock the sh*t of out of this baller stroller this summer + fall.

We’re going to make so many baby friends it’ll be out-of-control. Baby friends with $$$ because we’re broke after this stroller.

The UppaBaby Vista has many features and includes both the seat and bassinet. In addition to this, with a handy $30 attachment, we can snap on the carseat for our errands.

See you at Skinner Park in August UppaBaby! 

My favorite blogger, Joanna Goddard, compiled her favorite pregnancy items this past Monday, and I started thinking of my own must-have survival items. Here they are —

Foods

Having minimal interest in food Week 8-20 I wanted to highlight the items I consistently enjoyed —

• Lime Frozen Fruit Bars — Whole Food

• BellyBar — my aunt sent me these in a care package to die for. I wish I had discovered this items a few months earlier. It’s a granola bar (my fav: s’mores) packed with a prenatal vitamin. Once I ran out I ordered more online, and then discovered they were sold at Macy’s in the maternity section. 
• bagels and cream cheese — bagels are filling and flavorless, which was great for morning nausea
• VitaminWater — my favorite flavors were Dragonfruit and Essential Orange. This was the only tolerable thing I could drink post any morning sickness. Sundeep always stocked the house in these. Sidenote, I always wanted my beverages freezing cold, and avoided hot coffee or tea almost the entire 20 weeks. 

Clothes

Clothes started feeling snug around 14 weeks, and this is when I introduced myself to the BeBand. The BeBand is the same material as Spanx, more breathable and not as constricting. Now that I’m larger…I recommend high panel pants. I had no idea what this meant….so let me break it down in layman terms:

I can’t tell a difference between demi and front panel. I, personally, feel like they cover the same amount of stomach. Apparently demi and front panels are for the first two trimesters, and third trimester is the full panel (your stomach is huge, the demi and front panels don’t cover enough stomach and you feel like your gut is hanging out 24/7). I have only bought full panel, because I didn’t want to spend the money on different levels of stretchy material. The full panel is hideous; nothing sexy about wearing a stretch panel to your tits.

GapMaternity underwear. 

I have also found a few tops and dresses at Forever21 and Target. 

Ultimately, I have grown out of things so quickly I couldn’t justify buying anything designer or expensive. 

Beauty

The days I would be puking multiple times, I would break little blood vessels in my face. They were awful, I felt ugly and they were noticeable. I was introduced to NARS foundation/powder a little late in the game, although I really love it and it helped on those days I needed to cover up blotchy puke skin…

Books

There are very few books I have found helpful. The majority of them really do introduce fear and anxiety. Sundeep and I were at Whole Foods the week after we found out about the baby, and grabbed this book —

The Complete Pregnancy Illustration Companion 

Lots of pictures and details on what is happening week-by-week. 

I have also wanted to read Jenny McCarthy’s “Belly Laughs: The Naked Truth About Pregnancy and Childbirth.” I can’t imagine it being an intelligent read, but you absolutely need something lighthearted when your head deep in the toilet or feeling exhausted, etc.

Pregnancy Observations…

• I was 100% anti-sex 1st trimester.  …I was nervous to jump on a treadmill for fear it would fall it, so my lack of interest in sex was due to fear, exhaustion and general disgust. Second semester .. total nympho. My friends agree with this trend, and promise me it’ll go away again third trimester when your ass is the size of your house and you don’t fit comfortably anywhere..
• I have been super emotional and incredibly heartless, all within 5 minutes of each other. It reminds me of when I was on birth control pills.
• Headaches are a common side effect of pregnancy, along with feeling “stuffy.” Apparently epistaxis or bloody noses are common, although I haven’t experienced this — the books always talk about women having bloody noses. 

Land of Nod. Sans bird quilt, love it, but unnecessary.

I have been eyeing this number for +1 year, and I think I may opt out of buying a stroller…to buy myself this. 

It’s so beautiful. I do not ever get excited about designer anything, but this seriously makes me drool. Today I went to Nordstrom and stared at it, totally went to buy it (realized how many things I could buy for it…a crib, stroller…), then just stared at it, touched it…. left without it.

Dear Marc Jacobs, hook a mama up.

The baby could probably fit INTO and SLEEP in this bag, right? It serves the same purpose as a stroller…… 

Ann Taylor is spicing up my morning commute.

Their store window neon ensembles have me drooling; come on SPRING. 

BeBand. 

Sorry. I couldn’t find a simple package to show you, all google images contained weird-looking stomachs.

Anyways, the BeBand is this stretch tube-top for your waist? Last week I went home to Rockford, pants totally unbuttoned, zipper down….welcome to Rockford, white trash. My mom was like go to Target now, we’re having guest over — I can see your underwear. So I went to Target, bought two…and will wear them through August and probably every holiday I feel like unbuttoning my pants after eating 10 servings of pie. 

This may prompt you to think I’m showing — now, now — not the case. It’s more of “I have let myself go completely — and have gained some weight in my stomach region,” and not so much something the size of an apple, with arms and legs is occupying my uterus?

Anyways, you don’t have to be pregnant to wear this. Trust me, I think Sundeep wants to wear it.

2012 marks the Year of the Dragon — a very auspicious year for babies. 

Sundeep and I are happy to announce that we, too, will be affected by this year’s dragon.

Expected date to rock.our.world. August 1, 2012. 

Pregnancy has been no joke. Inappropriate blog posts and short stories to follow…

Promise this will be the only fetus-like photo. I’m usually weirded out by fetus photos —